These days, it seems that anyone with a slight inclination toward anything is dropping the words “kink” and “fetish.”
“I definitely have an ice cream kink,” some might say after indulging in back-to-back dairy desserts.
That’s why we’ve put together this defining guide to kinks and fetishes.Below, read on for an explanation of what a kink is and what a fetish is—and insights on how to explore potential kinks and fetishes.
A kink is anything that both goes beyond the typical boundaries of what society considers “normal” sexuality and is arousing sexual desire.
Because what constitutes a kink depends on whether your social sphere is normal or not, it is highly dependent on a variety of factors, including:
So, for example, someone who mostly listens to country music (without including too much anal talk) might see their enjoyment of anal sex as an anal kink.On the other hand, people whose favorite song is “Truffle Butter” may simply think their love of anal is a preference.
That means if someone says they’re weird, you have to ask the specifics to know what that means.Of course, you shouldn’t ask ~just anyone~ a personal question.
“The most common kinks are probably domination and submission, bondage and sadomasochism (that’s what the letters in BDSM stand for),” says sex hacker and sex educator Kenneth Play, of the international sex-positive community Hacienda Villa founder.
According to sexologist Dr. Carol Queen of sex toy company Good Vibrations, there are some accepted definitions of fetishes.
“Currently, sex educators rarely define fetishes as having to be part of sexuality,” Queen said.”Instead, an updated definition says that fetishes are porn superchargers.”
For example, someone with a redhead fetish might be able (and enjoy!) to have sex with someone who doesn’t have redheads, she said.”But redheads are still special and allow us to experience porn in a way that’s extra powerful than when it wasn’t there,” she explained.
Tyler Sparks, an porn educator and founder of Organic Loven, one of the largest BIPOC-owned online intimacy stores, says the distinction is sometimes defined as the difference between needs (fetishes) and preferences (kinks).
“Someone found that wearing high heels during sex caused excitement,” she said.”But those who need to wear high heels during sex to experience arousal have high heel fetishes.”
Sometimes this distinction is defined as the difference between being specifically aroused by a particular sexual act, geographic location, or dynamic (kink) and being specifically aroused by an object, material, or non-genital body part (fetish).
If you’re trying to determine if something is a kink or a fetish, you might ask yourself some questions:
Absolutely.You probably have a quirk and a fetish.or both.You may have some days that feel like a kink, and others a crush.
“Exploring both involves being open to porn adventures, being honest about what you really value and finding a turnaround, sometimes dealing with the shame of being different, and being aware of how these play out in your life and sexuality with potential partners role in behavior,” she said.
“For some people, their fetishes and fetishes are a little overt,” Play said.”If, for example, in the summer of your teens, you can’t help but stare at the feet of everyone wearing sandals, and feel horny from the sight of feet, you’ll naturally realize that you love feet.”
Meanwhile, for others, the kink or fetish may be something they discover by exploring things, such as porn, movies, or a new lover that exposes them to new things.When experiencing new things, you discover all kinds of things about what you like and don’t like, he said.
If you’re in the latter camp and want to learn more about your quirks and fetishes, these tips will help.
“There’s a free online assessment, called the BDSM test, that can help you learn more about the kinks you’re interested in,” Sparks says.”It’s a good starting point.”
Put various behaviors, arrangements, locations, and objects into a list of columns based on your interest in trying, and a “yes-no-maybe” list can help you identify things that excite your body.
There are various Yes-No-Maybe lists on the Internet.But to figure out your quirks and fetishes, it’s best to have one with a bank at the bottom, like this one from Bex Talks.
“As with any human experience, things and situations change,” she said.”Sometimes the things that excite you in your 20s don’t have the same appeal. But as we become more aware of our bodies and desires, because humans are naturally curious, we seek out different experiences.”
From video porn to written porn, online forums to chat platforms, the internet is full of opportunities to learn more about your fetishes and fetishes.
“Visit a porn site, such as Royal Fetish Films, to give you a chance to see your kink in action,” she says.”Another kink site is FetLife, a fetish and kink social site. There you’ll find many people just like you who are exploring, experienced and/or mentored.”
Through these sites, she says, you’ll be able to read their stories and maybe ask a group moderator a question or two about your own quirks or how they discovered theirs.
Hanging out in your comfort zone and discomfort zone can help you better understand your sexuality and fetishes, says Sparks.
“Knowing your own boundaries can help you identify what you’re interested in exploring and not what,” she says.
Exactly what you will learn will vary depending on the specific ~ things you are interested in exploring.But anyway: it’s a must.
“Education must precede your experience, especially when it comes to anything involving intense power play, pain, restraint, or anything else that might be considered dangerous,” Play said.This education is important to keep you and your partner safe physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
For this kind of learning, he recommends hiring a sex professional—for example, a sex educator, sex therapist, sex hacker, or sex worker.
Queen emphasizes that sex workers will have extensive experience in both areas, making them an excellent choice for exploring potential kinks or fetishes for the first time.
“Pros may have more information about the various kinks, and it’s easier to talk and negotiate with, and it can be like a lab setting for exploring your sexuality,” she says.
If you’d rather explore with a partner, she says it’s important to choose a partner you’re comfortable talking to — and vice versa.
“Even before you engage in different types of sex games with someone, you can learn how comfortable they are sexually, how easy it is to communicate with them, and whether they express judgments about others’ sexual choices to determine if they are It fits well,” she said.
It’s best to choose a partner who is generally comfortable with your body language (and vice versa) and willing to work with you on prerequisite research.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if the things you’re interested in sexually are classified as kinky, fetish, or neither!But explore what brings you joy in a safe, free and happy way.
Gabrielle Kassel is a New York-based sex and wellness writer and CrossFit Level 1 coach.She has become a morning person, testing more than 200 vibrators, eating, drinking, brushing with charcoal — all in the name of journalism.In her free time, she can read self-help books and romance novels, bench press or pole dance.Follow her on Instagram.
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